Like I'm just One more Tortured heart.

2010-04-19T17:46:00.000+10:00

Try this. http://thisonesfor-you.tumblr.com

I don't.

2010-04-12T21:38:00.001+10:00

Round.

2010-04-05T03:05:00.000+10:00

I want a boy who will move the hair away from my eyes, and then kiss me. Who will hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. A boy who will sing to me at random moments. Who lets me sleep on his chest. I want a guy who will tell his family and friends all about me. Bring me soup or orange juice when I'm sick. I want a boy who is more goofy than romantic, but knows the right things to say at the right times. I want a boy who will call me 3 times a day if he went away. A boy who will apologize for calling too much, and no matter how many times I tell him its okay, he'd still do it. A boy who will let me gossip to him and just smile and agree with everything I say. A boy who will throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then jump on me and kiss me a million times. Who will bet kisses on who could beat who on at game. Who makes fun of me just to make me laugh. A boy who will surprise me with 25 cent ring and we could have contest of how far we can spit our gum. Who will take me to the park, put his hands around my waist and give me big bear hugs all the time. A boy who will kiss my neck, just to have a reason to tell me how much he loves my new perfume. I want a boy who, at night, who will dance in his pajamas with me. A boy who will take pictures in photo booths with me, someone who will never turn down a trip to the lake and who will play tag on the beach with me. A boy who could sit with me on the kitchen floor and eat sandwiches. Who will kiss me in the pouring rain. I want a boy who would try to teach me how to play the guitar, even if we just end up laughing at each other. I want a boy who will run his fingers through my hair, share his lollipops with me, and get along with all of my friends. Someone who would never be afraid to say I love you in front of his friends and someone who would argue with me about silly things just to make up. I want a boy who will take me to Target to just make fun of some of the stuff there. Someone who will kiss me at midnight on New Years and who will make funny faces at me when I'm on the phone. I want a boy who will count stars with me and be friends with my family. I want a boy who will stay home with me on a Friday night just to help me make dinner and watch movies together under the same blanket. Someone who will squirt water guns at me in the house after I've got him soaked. I want a boy who looks me the eye and tell me something serious, that was also funny and make me promise not to laugh. A boy who could make me laugh like no one else can. I want a boy who will hold me closer than normal when I'm sick, and would play with my hair. But mostly I want a boy who is my best friend and will always be there for me.

Hold.

2010-04-02T23:06:00.002+11:00

Patience. Your time will come.

The more you wait, the better it will be.

You know he's worth it.

Just don't forget that.

Loaded.

2010-04-01T17:06:00.004+11:00

time creeps by slowly. days go by without me realizing how long they have been. i've wasted hours.

i want to dress up.

because i feel ugly. i feel absolutely ugly.

Something.

2010-03-30T17:15:00.007+11:00

I'll wait for it eventually.

EDIT://

wind entangling in the midst of rain. bellowing hard through the foggy sky. listening as they drip and drip among the busy streets. humanity walking to and fro. leaving to get to somewhere. knowing they have a purpose. as i drown in that army of people embarking in the miserable weather, i take flight for the city streets. alone naturally, looking like a lost lamb.

quiet.

and humble.

drifting into sleep at 5am wishing, hoping things would be different. that things will come around the corner. that he will come around the corner. missing him. wanting him. everything that is him. like a drug, i want nothing else. like an addict, i fall delicate to his power. the spell that has been cast empowers my soul. and i rinse in nothing but his warmth and affection. my only desired destination. my only means of survival.

when is our chance to get away? to run to somewhere beautiful. to be one with the sun. happy and free. a beaming ray of light not possessing an inch of grey.

"...the way you smile. i love the way your eyes twinkle."

you really do love me.

and i really do love you.

i've just realized.

Bump.

2010-03-28T13:01:00.000+11:00

i feel like this.

Although right now, i'm this.

But it's okay.

Until the right moment.

Just because.

Maybe..

Whatever..

Wake up.

2010-03-26T10:46:00.002+11:00

I just woke up knowing i look like madness entangled between the covers of my bed.

On the computer not wearing my glasses, looking frazzled and is still unfed.

okay.. that just rhymed. WEIRD

EDIT://

Running errands today with the big sister. 30 degrees outside and counting. ;(

drench me with water, please

oh i hear her coming through the door.

haha

urgh. take 2

EDIT://

Where are you, babyyy?

It's not a matter of want anymore. It's a need

Bloodshot.

2010-03-24T13:31:00.002+11:00

When is this ever going to end.
I just want it to be over.
My eyes hurt. and i'm so goddamn sleepy.

i can't be fucked thinking about another friggin' test or another portfolio to re-do. It just shits me that i'm going to have to do all of this during the holidays too.

what the fuck.

EDIT://

I. just. want. to. be. with. you..

Everlasting.

2010-03-22T08:03:00.003+11:00

I had a dream last night.

i was staring at myself in the mirror. what i was looking at was disgusting. this thing that i call my body felt like such a burden to hold on to; to lug around something so goddamn ugly. in addition to this horrifying thought, my body was covered in bruises. like i had just been run over by a car. i felt like punching the mirror just because i wanted that image to disappear. i wanted my reflection to just go.away.

as emotional as that may sound, i found myself crying while staring helplessly at my god forsaken body that was then, covered in bruises. i wonder; thought to myself; asking why i was made so ugly in that way?

but on the contraire, you found me. like you always do. and you went straight to hold me, not being afraid to touch such a brittle thing and said something. i'm hoping they were words of hope and beauty through his eyes, as i woke up straight after.

the time? 5.54am.

EDIT://

it's monday again.
the last monday of term 1.
the last monday of term 1 of 2010.
the last monday of term 1 year 12 ib.

i'm stone cold already.

For what It's worth.

2010-03-21T00:01:00.002+11:00

young hearts are beating together. slowly as they die away into the rhythm of the night. piercing the silence bit by bit; inch by inch until it is heard no more.

zero. absolutely zero.

significance? infinity.
thank you for holding me so i didn't fall. it made the lonely cruel world seem a little nicer than it has been before.

soaking you with rain wasn't the plan.

so when we meet each other again in 10 years time, we'll look back and laugh. hard. because what was funny is that we had each other then to dive into this bottomless pit and we still have each other now to laugh together.

priceless.

Breakin' at the Cracks.

2010-03-20T10:30:00.003+11:00

i want. need. desire. dream of. crave.

EDIT://

such a hectic week. a mixture of goods and bads all together in one shot. i swear, if all of this is booze, i'd be off my face.

4 days til school ends. 4 days til i'm in Sydney. 4 days til i don't get to see you for 2 weeks.

just 4 days.

interestingg..

i haven't gotten sick this whole term. how good is that. must be all the drugs i'm taking. haha. hate 'em, but can't live without 'em.

i'm burning out. and i blame the IB. like everyone else is right about now. hah

Tiene 8 anos.

2010-03-18T08:31:00.001+11:00

Happy birthday, sayang.
sorry i can't be there. you'll have fun i'm sure.

love you.

Heat.

2010-03-17T07:43:00.002+11:00

"Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable."

Dangerously sweet.

2010-03-16T15:35:00.003+11:00

I've left all my talking through pictures. and when it comes to feeling like i think i should be writing something, i can't squeeze out a single word. i feel so helpless looking at this.

how pathetic.

Believe you.

2010-03-14T20:25:00.003+11:00

"I do believe you.

I just like hearing you say it over and over and over again."

EDIT://

I feel.

I feel notions that release me, winding me.

I feel so sedated, like a love emergency.

Surrounding me, you got me so elated.

Tempting over edges.

1,2,3..

And maybe.

Mid-drift.

2010-03-12T20:14:00.003+11:00

"You got me.

You got me head over heels for you.

You got me.

You got me all twisted up into, something i couldn't believe,
something i didn't see.

Maybe.

This might not so bad.
Although you get me happy and sad, thinking about what could just happen.

And yet.

You got me.

You got me head over heels for you. "

EDIT://

I feel like dressing up and going wild.

Left.

2010-03-10T22:26:00.002+11:00

meh

So close.

2010-03-08T16:09:00.002+11:00

My eyes adore you.

EDIT://

i've realized i've acted like such a leech the whole weekend of which i apologize. but i didn't bother thinking before-hand.

just cause i can. :)

Got to be.

2010-03-03T22:16:00.002+11:00

EDIT://

so. we didn't win house music.

Fraser house broke our 4 year record.
Perry won small group with waiting on the world to change by John Mayer.
EM won big group and best composition.
Allen won best solo.
Clyde won best conductor.

i'm not sure if we ranked in 2nd or 3rd. to be honest, i expected it. i knew our big group sounded like shit. and our small group could've done better. i know for a fact that our duet wasn't half bad. but it just didn't turn out like how we planned. and that doesn't matter. coz it can kiss my bloody ass and say goodbye.

House music 2010 is officially over. hell yahhhh

fuck.

spanish oral. maths test. tok oral. EE.

blergh

To Love.

2010-03-01T08:18:00.003+11:00

EDIT://

you're the best co-actor i've ever worked with in a movie. it's the best feeling.

Stronger.

2010-02-26T16:47:00.001+11:00

Like a Drug.

2010-02-23T23:49:00.003+11:00

Payback.

2010-02-21T22:56:00.002+11:00

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes
Just fighting to get through the night
I'm losing it (losing it, losing it)
With every move I die

EDIT://

Too many words. Too many voices. They all speak words of truth. words of wisdom. which to follow. the biggest question of all.

distractions are an element of growing a bigger fire. really.

must it be this way.

when did i become such a hypocrite? to think i despise every single living hypocrite on earth.

such a tragedy.

Lay around.

2010-02-15T20:24:00.002+11:00

I'm still breathing.

EDIT://

i love you for caring.

Irresistable.

2010-02-11T08:23:00.002+11:00

I can't.
It hurts.

Too much.

Bitten.

2010-02-09T17:15:00.003+11:00

Separation.

Bites the bitch out of you.
And what's left?

Singledom.

So is it really worth it?

Maybe we'll Crash and Burn.

2010-02-05T15:53:00.003+11:00

EDIT://

who knew that last christmas holidays would be the ending to your very beginning. coz i did. it just didn't set in stone properly until Feathers decided to scare all of us at 'managing the workload'. boo-hoo

it's been a long week. and it's going to be a long year. a long time before freedom is ajar. a great deal of seconds, minutes, hours, days, before i can actually say 'this is it'.

funny thing yesterday. it was hard to do everything at once. dealing with people and work and all that surrounds me. it completes the 24 hour cycle, but did that actually complete me? did that actually complete every hour of the day, or did i just let it flow past before realizing i was done. i can barely get the gist of knowing where i'm headed. where i'm running to, i'll never know.

ah emotions. thou art a bitch.

XOXO.

2010-01-30T19:13:00.005+11:00

The pre-party:

The after-party:

EDIT://

guess what.

i'm fucking 18.

OH YEAHHH

B'day.

2010-01-28T01:24:00.002+11:00

Of blueberries and honey.

2010-01-25T02:09:00.002+11:00

It's the 24th and i'm in dire need of more time before going back to school. yet who isn't. But hey. i'm not going to fight it. I'm going to gracefully surrender to everything and let things go with the flow. Just like the doctor said. Can't really say they're lying now, can i.

Went out for shisha at Damai on Friday night with the girls and a few others. The few others were people i just met but they were cool and i've read about them seeing that i haunt my friends through their blogs. nyehaha. anyhow it was good. oh-so-good. thanks to them for the cute presents and the small cake that's still in my fridge.

suppose to go out with nissa and tina this friday but i'm not sure if that's a green light seeing that the kids will be on the long weekend from public holidays and the parentals might want to do something seeing that i'm being shipped off on monday once again.

i'll be 18 soon. blergh

okay back to my extended essay

I don't Want to Be friends.

2010-01-17T00:16:00.002+11:00

Saturday night. Again. 9.17pm. Bored as ever.

Nearly done my world lit. if i can actually say it's done. Haven't touched my EE and i've yet to get details from my oh-so-busy tok partner. But with that, i'm not so worried about seeing that he'll be the one doing all the work, right? good.

Going to KB tomorrow with Shaira for some volunteer work at my aunty's yayasan for the disabled. Doing a few home visits and just helping about. Trying to add on to my CAS hours. I've got a few waiting for me in The Library a.k.a. my mum's cafe but that can always wait, right? haha.

Haven't been much of a social bee seeing that my friends are in the midst of their exams and cramming their heads off. While i'm stuck here waiting until they call for a night out or something. Not really going to celebrate my 18th. I know it's huge and all. How it's suppose to be the beginning of adulthood but i'm not feeling it. maybe because everyone around has already reached it and i'm just running around trying to actually make the finish line. ah the cons of being underaged than your friends. I'll probs be at home watching tv with the parentals and waiting til the clock strikes 12. God, deja vu all over again. It was the same for me on NYE. Haha. i'm such a busy bee. x)

Well to whoever reads this, thank you. I know how boring it is. Believe me.
Me, writing this bullshit not making any sense, knows exactly how it feels to be so goddamn boring.

Gone one Night.

2010-01-10T00:34:00.002+11:00

It's a Saturday night. 9.40pm. And i..

have nothing to say.

Went to Wangsa Walk with Roslyn and Oja. Had my nails painted red. Love 'em. Wish they'll never fade but of course the madre would be on my ass about having painted nails for such long periods of time. nyeh. Browsed around the place. Saw a couple of dresses i wish i was physically tall to fit in and yet they were within my price range. damn. Want them. Really really REALLY want them.

Suppose to do my world lit essay, EE and TOK oral but i have yet to touch any of them. Probs read over the books for world lit but officially writing characters in Microsoft Word is non-existent. Youtube-ing shitless for house music yet Lauren doesn't reply my messages so therefore her opinions are also non-existent. bahh

I want a night of my life. I want to be free for just a night. To feel the wind in my hair as i walk down the streets looking untouchable making guys ooze and melt, taking double-takes. I want to feel passion and heat. and butterflies in my stomach seeing the only guy i'd ever feel in love with.

But we all know. I can no longer go ahead, keeping a blind eye, pretending he isn't an idiot to begin with. An idiot that would get me into trouble and make me lose all hope i ever thought was imaginable.

Interesting.

So no more idiots. Just full grown men.

if that's what they call 'em.

If not. i'll just stick to my original plan. Become an anti-romantic and stay independent, just missing out what it actually feels like in the long-run.

2010

2010-01-01T13:35:00.001+11:00

My new year's resolution.

Done.

2009-12-09T12:58:00.002+11:00

EXAMS ARE OVER BITCHESSSS SDASBGLKDSBFVKEABRGILSDBVKLDSBKLSDBVA
DFGADSGBJAKDSBGILASBVILSFDVN
DGBASJDKGBLSAIBILSABGISBFGALIERBGIEARBGIERGBEARIGBASJV

Accept.

2009-12-08T07:48:00.002+11:00

Enough.

2009-12-06T21:11:00.003+11:00

i hate it hereeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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ewsafusabdfoiawbfoiewabfiwbdfisabdfsda
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wasdfbaoifuhbwauiefbwaeifu

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hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate. hate.

Naturally.

2009-12-05T20:10:00.002+11:00

EDIT://

i can't go through a day without being sad. it's stupid.
absolutely meaningless.

why, do you ask. i wish i knew the answer to that question. how can a question be that simple yet be so hard to answer. how contradictory. a total opposition that brings no peace of mind. just keeps going on. and on. and on. until it is no more. when something else strikes. then the cycle repeats.

i should stop looking back on things. i was looking through my old blog. so many memories. good and bad. pictures are worth a thousand words. and more. and i have quite a few that meant a lot to me. they still do in a way, because everytime i look at them again, everything comes flowing in. and it was like the pain never left. or the happiness never left. that high and low, kept me moving. kept me straight. and it's not here anymore. i'm wondering where it went.

because i'm hurting. and everything i want to say, i can't say anymore.

i feel like crying again.

grr

Good time.

2009-12-04T12:07:00.000+11:00

A fool.

2009-12-02T06:52:00.003+11:00

You never know what you have until it's gone.

EDIT://

Ever think that things that you took for granted would disappear within seconds of your grasp. like something you've been addicted to for so long, so evaporates and is no longer there. you can't fight it. you can't lose it. you just need it. and it hurts to not have it there anymore once it's gone.

such a fool. in so many ways.

Yea sure. There are second chances. but how many do you think are you gonna get? how many, seriously. especially since i am a perfectly healthy normal person, abusing the power and control i have. for what? it brought me nothing but all of this, this emptiness. this cold hard feeling that's turned me into a person even i don't know myself. i forgot who i am and i hate who i've become. it's sad. i thought i could hold on. but i just simply forgot. and i want to try to get back to where i was. but the past is the past, and one would just have to move on, yes?

If anything, those words are at the tip of my tongue. just those words of apology. so what am i waiting for? what am i so afraid of? maybe coz something like this might happen again. maybe because i don't deserve such gratitude from anyone. perhaps coz i just have the biggest ego that's ever roamed this earth.

To think, i was so strong on what i stood for before. me being my own person and believing in my own values and principles. i've turned into the exact opposite. it's not like i take care of myself anymore. i take advantage of this weak body i have and mould it into something that's repelled all the good and attracts all the bad. i'm a walking 'bad' magnet always at the ready to swipe away anything that's bad. if anything, i'd rather use that as something to take other's pains away because i for one, would not wish this on anybody. no matter how much they ask for it. this is my pain. and no one else should have it. it's unfair to them. they'd deserve way better.

So, what do i do with this broken heart and this shattered body? i walk away. and i keep walking away until i find something else that makes me happy. and i for one, know that it'll take a while before that happens. all of this, torments me everyday. and i absolutely loathe it. i can't believe that from now, where i'm standing, i've pushed everything that was good for me. for what? to wallow in more self-pity. and it's brought forth such darkness. the sun is of no use to me. laughter and smiles- nothing.

I knew i shouldn't have gotten this angry. it's stupid and idiotic. and absolutely ridiculous because it's unfair. why don't i listen to what i say anymore and let everything else take a hold of me. i let everything else influence me but my own very heart.

wow. didn't think it'd take this long to get over.
didn't think it'd hurt this much.

but to be honest, i did. and i know there's more to come, as days go by.

i long to trace your face again.

If i.

2009-12-01T21:00:00.003+11:00

MONDAY:

TUESDAY:

Not very proud of how i lived today.

EDIT://

I did say if i can help it.

Obviously i can't.

Mungkin Nanti.

2009-11-30T07:40:00.002+11:00

Dan mungkin bila nanti,
kita akan bertemu lagi.

EDIT://

No updates until the 9th of December at about 12.45pm.
If i can help it, that is.

Love.

2009-11-29T09:18:00.003+11:00

Such a losing game.

EDIT://

Thanks, Roslyn for last night. even if you did find out god-awful things about me. i've missed you so much.

ever think you could get so angry. like to all those especially who don't get angry often. perhaps the occasional frustration and annoyance of certain things but ever think it could just explode and your guts are all over the place. eww. nasty

i've had enough of this. i don't know what we argue about anymore. and i don't believe in love anymore. why do all these sounds not make sense. whats going on through such insanity.

i hate being all screwed up in the head. giving excuses saying i'm tired. because eventhough i am, i'm probs tired of you and everything else around me. i hate it. i hate you. i hate everything.

I'm going to be so mean right here, because this will be the last of my pain that i endure for the rest of the year. aside being a wonderful IB student.

You've ruined everything. i refuse to be with someone who's fucked up my life so far. who's taken everything away from me. for a moment, i lost it and i've lost all my dignity for being the girl who did that. i refuse to believe that being okay and saying sorry will make it alright. because i still think back to times i wish never happened. i'm sorry. when i thought i was happy, i just made myself believe it. can't you see. i used you. and i am angry that everything has turned out like this for this long. it's been 5 weeks since that. did you know? it's been 5 bloody weeks and i still can't get it out of my head. it crushed me. it burned everything that i've been going on for. its like i lost a light and the flame is just fading away slowly with the lack of wood to sustain it.

i'm out of it. i've lost all that motivation. that will to try. with anything. with anyone. you deserve better. just like aaron does. and ben. and a whole lot of people that i won't mention here. i've always been weak to previous people that've entered my life. but this time it's different. and i'll never back down now. i am my own person. i know what i'm doing. even if i'm straying from being the goody-two-shoes i once was. you mean nothing to me as of now. just another character in my story that once played my knight-in-shining-armour but in the end fed me to the dragons. can you hear me screaming now. crying for help. lifeless in all it's red fiery glory.

i want this shit gone.

exams on Tuesday. great.

fuck.

Away.

2009-11-28T13:13:00.003+11:00

What does one do when exams are only less than a week away on a hot saturday afternoon?

She paints her nails. oh yeahh.

While listening to the only song that's filled with hate.

And wondering if she'll be hating for long.

No Good.

2009-11-26T18:34:00.001+11:00

I never feared the unexpected
'Till I found myself in this peculiar place
Unaware of where I was headed
Turns out it was your footsteps I had chased

Well I should know so much better than this
But you've occupied the center of my universe

I'm moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
'Till the day I learn you're No Good for me

It's illogical and it's outrageous
The way I let you keep me hangin' on
Your character is that contagious
I know I should have thought before I had done
I've gone and let my impulse be my guide
And on that note I'll be defenseless for some time

I'm moving in reverse
Under your mighty curse
I hate myself for loving you
I turn my head away
But my heart will remain
'Till the day I learn you're No Good for me

Hey you there keep your distance
Don't you come around here
Don't test my patience baby
'Cause I aint gonna let you off easy

Use to be Happy.

2009-11-25T08:25:00.000+11:00

Why.

2009-11-24T13:40:00.000+11:00

No means no.

Pressure.

2009-11-23T08:13:00.006+11:00

Now that I'm losing hope
And theres nothing else to show
For all of the days that were spent
carrying away from hope

Somethings I'll never know
And I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone
Feeling empty

Over.

2009-11-22T15:56:00.002+11:00

Who would've known one could be so numb at such a time in the middle of summer about to spread its wings.

"As cliché as it may seem .I guess if i don’t make you smile there’s no point is there."

That's going to definately haunt me.

Wait.

2009-11-22T12:21:00.002+11:00

Lose it.

2009-11-19T16:42:00.001+11:00

Liberate me.

I knew.

2009-11-17T22:03:00.002+11:00

I came here for one reason, and one reason only. yet i found other reasons to be here. which ended up in a total disaster. and here i am, licking my wounds as silently as possible.

why.. why didn't i listen to myself instead?

Worthless.

2009-11-16T07:33:00.002+11:00

Never took Much.

2009-11-14T13:34:00.005+11:00

This hungry heart will not
subside.

EDIT://

Leadership role interviews in the process. i've been put out of the question due to recent events. those who've mentioned my name, thank you. so much. you have no idea how much it means to me that you guys still have my back despite my wrong-doings. didn't think you would to begin with. but of course, gotta deal with the consequences. sadly.

i'm trying so hard not to blame anyone aside myself. because i don't want a fight. i don't want to yell. i'm not rebelling. don't you dare think this is my way of rebelling. i am not one of those emos who keep to themselves. i'm loud. and obnoxious. and down-right self-centered. and i'll be damned if anyone doesn't take me seriously.

i'm better than this. i know i am. i'm not about to let it go even further because that's not me. and everyone knows that. which is why they still mention me. they still think i have what it takes. i believe it too. deeply. i'm just letting it rot more due to your non-existent heart in not considering me entirely.

i am going to be alright in all of this. despite the word that goes adrift from each garnett person to another. i know people talk about me and what i've done. obviously, knowing that, they'd derive some sort of explaination to why i did what i did.

interesting enough, you are ALL wrong. darn right wrong. why? because.

the whole story has yet to be told. and it will be like that for as long as i keep it like that. you nosing into my business is fair, i guess. seeing i'd be a hypocrite if i said otherwise. but there's a limit to all of this. and a limit puts a stop. an end. a halt.

but yes. thank you though. for at least hearing me out. i'm grateful for all the little things now. because i know what it's like. consider it a lesson learned.

'coz i got burned.
and i'm still crying over it.

Leave.

2009-11-13T13:53:00.001+11:00

Tell me.

2009-11-12T09:13:00.002+11:00

I couldn't sleep.
I got sicker this morning.
I am so weak.

And i can't even not think of how much of a coward i've been.

I'm so sorry.

No more, Zay.
No more.

Come round Soon.

2009-11-11T18:06:00.001+11:00

I could use another cigarette.
Don't worry, daddy- i'm not addicted yet.

Quickly.

2009-11-09T08:13:00.002+11:00

Think it might as well be light years away, oh
We just better land on the stars
Before they come crashing down.

Nicest Thing.

2009-11-08T09:16:00.003+11:00

All i know, is that you're so nice.

EDIT://

Make a stand. Take a fall.
That's all.

Oxygen.

2009-11-07T22:12:00.002+11:00

I found a boy who had a dream, making everyone smile.
He was sunshine, i fell over,
My feet like bricks, under water.

Temporary.

2009-11-06T16:28:00.002+11:00

A small glimpse of hope.

Said and Done.

2009-11-04T08:32:00.000+11:00

Bye Ben and Liv. Surely be missed.

EDIT://

Such a beautiful disaster.

Hazardous.

2009-11-02T14:57:00.001+11:00

Don't let me get me. I don't wanna be my friend no more.
I wanna be somebody else.

Hot stuff.

2009-10-31T23:20:00.004+11:00

Who knew that the only person who got me into the most trouble is the only person i can trust the most during this unwanted drama. Now that's why i say he's my best friend. Not you lot. Him. Why? Because when you all walked out on me, forgot who i was, forgot i ever roamed this planet once upon a time ago, he showed his loser face and said hello.

Parentals think you're my boyfriend. and i just say you're one of those that i constantly see. that i have to see. that i can't go a day without seeing because you're usually there.

the one that says hello and goodbye.
the one that chats about the most random stuff and finds it amusingly funny.
the one that loves to get on my nerves just because he finds me shooting bad remarks at him a challenge.
the one that never usually says no.
the one that is brutally honest.
the one that lags in the brain.
the one that doesn't really catch up to up to date things unless i tell him.
the one that would always help when i say i don't need it but i actually do.
the one that can tell when i lie.
the one that can say stop being so pessimistic.
the one that gives me pity during a game of badminton when he knows he's so capable of whooping my ass.
the one that hates the same assholes i hate.
the one that appreciates the people i like.
the one that puts up a fair fight.
the one that listens.
the one that i'd act stupid with, not caring what the world actually sees.
the one that gets tipsy after only a few hours.
the one that enoys a bit of adventure.
the one thats appreciative of what i can do.
the one that reminds me that i'm brave and strong.
the one that believes in what i can do or am capable of doing.
the one that nearly cried during my chapel performance.
the one that i fell in and out of love with but ends up loving him anyway but will not be in love with.
the one that loves me the way i am.
the one that catches me when i fall.
the one that does not judge.
the one that is gentle.
the one that is bold.
the one that is strong in my times of despair.
the one that's a part-time lover and a full-time friend.
the one that can be a total idiot in times of blankness.
the one that puts up with my angst.
the one that gets angry at me for blocking him
out in bad times.
the one that lifts me up from the worst.
the one that puts me in the worst.
the one that enjoys hearing me sing.
the one that knows when i need space.
the one that laughs with me and not at me.
the one that learns to deal with my eccentric ways.
the one that he'll regret not seeing after a while.
the one that is honest.
the one that is responsible.
the one that shows his bravoury when i have none.
the one that has gone through the good and the bad with me.
the one that he does not see for a day and starts to miss so soon.
the one that would patiently wait.
the one that has made me wait.
the one that i run to when i'm crying.
the one that i would always try to impress no matter from what angle he sees me.
the one that i always try to act strong in front of when actually, i'm a weakling. the one that inspires me to write.
the one that makes me sing my melodies.
the one that makes me dance.
the one that makes me cry.
the one that makes me laugh.
the one that makes me happy.
the one that makes me upset.
the one that tries the hardest.
the one that knows everything.
the one thats seen everything.
the one that is everything.

EDIT://

god. annoying little pest aren't you. ;p

Help me.

2009-10-30T15:30:00.002+11:00

That's life, as funny as it may seem.
Some people get their kicks, stomping on your dreams.
but i don't let it, let it get me down
Because these final words keeps spinning me around.

//

I pick myself up and get back in the race.
That's life.

Desperately.

2009-10-29T21:18:00.002+11:00

Burned. to the core. nothing to do but let it pass. let time take it's course and lick the wounds that have been self-inflicted.

i've never felt so alone in my life. i've been beating myself to the pulp until i couldn't even remember if i could ever breathe properly again. i've been drowned. and everything i show, say or do shows it thoroughly. no amount of words can explain the way i feel.

wreckless behaviour. abusing trust. endangering the community. causing angst. disrupting peace. fired rumours. stories adrift. and it goes on and on and on and on..

i can't do this. i just can't.

If only.

2009-10-28T20:45:00.001+11:00

Deja Vu.

2009-10-27T21:54:00.004+11:00

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EDIT://

Face it, Zay. it only takes once for it to be done again. what is wrong with you.

i knew i hated me for a reason.

and all of this has reminded me thoroughly.

grr.

All at once.

2009-10-26T07:16:00.004+11:00

I never knew i could cry so much in one weekend. All this emotional damage has brought me to pieces and i don't know how i'm going to pick myself up again. Crying myself to sleep was not what i wanted to do but it didn't stop coming down. Even mr. Graves had to check up on me because Benno told him and he wanted me to make 'good' choices.

And you.

Don't ever do that to me again. Do you hear me? i'll call an entire army if i have to, to bring you back up again. You probably would hate me by then but you will understand where i'm coming from. and with them not knowing, i think they'd be hurt too because you of all their friends didn't trust them with something so grand as this.

No more. please.

EDIT://

I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore.

I've had My freedom.

2009-10-25T08:05:00.001+11:00

Faith has been broken, tears have been cried.

Can't stop.

2009-10-23T08:02:00.003+11:00

YAY~
you're captain. how awesome is that. :D:D:D:D

lol. okay. friday people, friday. the epitomy of friday's delight. the desire to run the hallways screaming it's over bitches. it's funny how we live for the weekends and it's just a measly 2 days. but yes, that's what we live for. over and over and over again.

we can't help it. just can't stand it. just get really excited. not that we're going out partying or anything.. ;)

One of these days.

2009-10-21T21:31:00.001+11:00

No.

2009-10-19T17:37:00.001+11:00

Blind.

2009-10-18T20:24:00.000+11:00

It disappears as reality is crashing to the floor.

You set Me free.

2009-10-17T22:26:00.000+11:00

Personally, i'd like for you to be the last face i see before i go to sleep. you don't even have to ask. but you naturally do. and i naturally say no. the end.

Who Knew.

2009-10-15T17:18:00.000+11:00

Count your blessings.

Being a girl.

2009-10-14T07:54:00.000+11:00

Hey captain.
there's a new champion in the making. :)

My same.

2009-10-12T22:12:00.000+11:00

You said i'm stubborn and i never give in

I think you're stubborn 'cept you're always softening

You say I'm selfish, I agree with you on that

I think you're giving out in way too much in fact

I say we've only known each other one year

You say I've known you longer my dear

You like to be so close, I like to be alone

I like to sit on chairs and you prefer the floor

Walking with each other, think we'll never match at all, but we do

But we do, but we do, but we do

I thought I knew myself, somehow you know me more
I've never known this, never before
You're the first to make out whenever we are two
I don't know who I'd be if I didn't know you
You're so provocative, I'm so conservative
You're so adventurous, I'm so very cautious,
combining
You think we would and we do, but we do, but we do, but we do

Favouritism ain't my thing but,
In this situation i'd be glad...

Favouritism ain't my thing but,in this situation
I'll be glad to make an exception

I found.

2009-10-11T13:34:00.001+11:00

Have to Like it?

2009-10-09T17:24:00.000+11:00

i'm really not sure whats going on in my mind. maybe it's just getting to me.
for the moments we weren't speaking, i was prepared to not have you in my life, in that sense forever. but wednesday night.. i just needed to feel you around me. have that very last chance of actually being with you.

but now.. i don't know anymore.

weren't we just good being friends. we're that kind of people aren't we. technically we both still have each other in our lives, it's just not a main priority anymore. we don't have to keep expecting things. less pressure. you said so yourself. you'd think twice before letting me in again right. and now you have, are you thinking again? because obviously i am.

life is such a paradox. doesn't make much sense.
i don't feel like i belong.

i'm just not sure.

Uncertainty.

2009-10-09T13:14:00.001+11:00

i'm not sure.

Real.

2009-10-08T08:24:00.001+11:00

Untuk Terakhir Kali.

2009-10-07T08:19:00.000+11:00

Mencinta diri mu
untuk yang terakhir kali
lihat ku disini

setia untuk dirimu

kasih yang ku belai

gugur selama-lamanya

waktu yang memisah

menghukum luka yang lama terpendam

kesuraman yang telah menjelma

dihujani sedihku

melarakan kenangan bersama

di akhir pemergian dirimu.

Walk away.

2009-10-07T06:37:00.000+11:00

let's face it. i'd be devastated to know you'd have moved on before i did. but hey, i'd be happy as hell for you. because no matter what, i'd always want you to be happy. happier than while you were with me. because you know why? i'll tell you why. i treated you badly and that's no way to treat someone as beautiful as you, inside and out. i will, however, learn to deal with this emptiness i've created and fill it with something more satisfying, without hurting someone i love.

always remember though, i do love you. but just not in that sense anymore. i hope you get that.

<33

tell me that you opened your eyes.

Dearest.

2009-10-05T22:20:00.000+11:00

I must be a coward for writing this email. And I’m sure you’ll agree with
me by the end of this whole thing. I feel it is time for an ending to this bond
we call a relationship. I don’t have the same feelings to you as i did when we
first started going out. I thought it’d go for a while longer but I just don’t
see the passion in it anymore. There’s no fire. I’m sure you’d say i should hold
on but are you honestly suggesting that i still become your girlfriend just for
your sake or for mine? I can’t deal with being with anyone right about now
because i’m too tired of going through this routine on a day-to-day basis of
caring and wondering about you etc. All the wrong-doings that you do, i’m tired
of defending them. To think before, i would tell myself i love you and i’ll
forget them. But here they’ve come to bite me in the ass. I have no more effort
or energy left in me. So this time, when you say hold on, i’m not going to
anymore because that’s it for me. I’m done being with you.

I’ve
used you and it’s wrong. Plus, i just don’t feel what you’re feeling for me and
that’s just bad. I think you deserve someone way better that you can share your
love with properly instead of me taking advantage of it. You’re a great friend. I seriously think if we didn’t go out, you’d still be my ‘best’ friend
until now. But, as i said. Times have changed. I have changed. And my love for
you has changed. I still love you though, but not the way you love me or not the
way i should love you seeing i am, or was your girlfriend. I love you more as a
friend than a boyfriend.

We’ve shared good times of course. And i
don’t think i’ll ever forget that. But i’m just really sorry to put you through
so many bad times because i feel that it was utterly unnecessary seeing
that you’ve been so kind to me. Being hot and cold to you wasn’t exactly my kind
of thing to do before. But that just shows how much i want to make it up to you,
don’t i. i probably don’t apologize as much while we were together and i’m sorry
for that. Honestly, i’m sorry for being just plain cruel.

I do
love you. But i think you’d do better without me and me without you.

I don't Like you.

2009-10-04T17:26:00.000+11:00

i hate this. i gotta feeling things aren't going to get any easier nor is it going to get any funner.

i think i should just commit to being a loner in my own bedroom attempting to read books and look as if i work hard when all i do is procrastinate til the dawn breaks. i've become nocturnal ever since the parentals left for home and all i can say is that i am not an IB student that reads and writes all damn long studying hoping to achieve an A.

i feel no motivation to learn or to do anything related to school. as great as geelong grammar is, i hate it. the kids, the lifestyle, the culture. its so unexposed to the stuff i've been dealing with. it feels like our own village in the heart of geelong. it hurts. it cramps everything i live for- dance. music. the performing arts.

and you. i don't know what i feel for you. all i can i say is that there is.. was no passion between us. you could love me all you want. you can wait for me all you can. but i cannot.. will not go beneath what i think is right.

don't brainwash me thinking there's something else that will work for the better. don't you ever dare try. because i've had it. so just leave.

i don't want to be with you anymore. i can't. i just can't.

Hello world.

2009-10-04T03:04:00.000+11:00

A new blog. I needed a fresh start. Without the excess drama.

i just needed something. a new outlook on things. without other people judging me.

without people i know reading my inner thoughts. ironic how it's going to be all over the internet.

but. anyway.

i'm going to walk a little. maybe run. how about fly.

yea.

that sounds way better.

i think i'm going to fly.

no. not going to.

i will fly.